Best of FHOTD: The verbal equivalent of a bag of chicken feet
Dec 21 2009
If you’ve been around for a few years, you’ve read this one but I still get more e-mail about it than probably any other single blog, so today’s a good day for a repost. I’m on vacation today and tomorrow, so I’ll do my best to approve comments but bear with me! The update, FYI, is that they actually did end up finding a boarding stable and a good youth instructor, so all’s well that ends well!
You’ll have to read this to understand the reference in the title…
Today, my friend and I, in an enthusiastic moment of motivation to make yet more money to support our large collection of old, fucked-up discarded and useless horses, decided to haul a horse for someone. We should note that I am somewhat new to the state I live in, and my friend’s geographical knowledge of her lifetime home state had suffered a momentary lapse. (She later shared that she drank her way through her 6th period high school Washington State history class). At any rate, we were thinking we were signing on for a three hour tour but, sadly, it instead shipwrecked into a twelve hour ordeal greatly resembling a Gilligan’s Island reunion, except without the rich and educated characters or the coconut shell short-wave radio.
Our first inkling that something had gone horridly wrong was when we agreed to let the new owner of said horse (elderly Arabian gelding who had not been ridden in two years and was now being sold to a beginner teen – hereinafter the “Horse”) and her child ride in the truck with us the entire way. Now, don’t get us wrong. We are friendly girls. We like to chat, under normal circumstances and with reasonably normal people. We can even stand a fair amount of abnormality and laugh about it later. But this went right over the fucking top. We were originally informed that we’d be hauling the Horse to a boarding barn. Once on the road, we learned we would be hauling the horse to this lady’s backyard, which is also populated with goats and chickens and an ill-tempered rooster which will stab his spurs right through your teenaged son’s deck shoes when he kicks him- imagine that. (Interestingly enough, the family cat had about the same reaction when said son dragged the dog in to meet her newborn kittens). A backyard which was described as being approximately one quarter of an acre in an allegedly rural area, with picky neighbors who object to her dog running all over their property (but she can’t get the hang of using a leash ’cause she’s a “farm girl” and the invisible fence allegedly does not work, although she installed it herself so she can’t imagine what the problem is, and now, darn it, she has been cited and has to pay a $1,000 fine, and you know, that dog is a little sensitive on the one side because he lost the ball joint of his hip when he got hit by a car…)
So down the highway we went, to collect said Horse, being treated along the way to the following stories.
1. The proper minerals are the cure for everything. Deworming is not necessary. You can scare all worms away merely by using copper! Who knew?
2. You can cure your father’s abscessing, gangrenous, maggot-laden leg merely by smearing a generous layer of garlic on it and this cure will happen within 3 days. Over the course of the next 7 hours, we also learned that garlic is a cure-all for (a) congestive heart failure in humans so severe that the person was unable to lie down and instead stood by the kitchen table all night as he thought he would drown (b) a cat who was attacked by wolves and had a rib sticking out (c) a goat who was attacked by their own dog (who was probably angry about his missing hip joint) although they argue the dog was corrupted by the influence of a marauding neighborhood Husky dog.
3. Speaking of marauding neighborhood dogs, you can cure a visiting Beagle from any desire to kill chickens (after it has killed 3/4ths of the flock) by walking it around and telling it “no no bad dog” while pointing at the dead chickens. If it is still tempted to kill the last remaining live chicken, which is hiding in a bush, all you need to do to complete the cure is place the dead chickens one by one on the Beagle’s head and reprimand him strongly. After this, he will not even want to look at the chicken, let alone come back in your yard ever again. My friend and I do believe this works, as the mere telling of the story, had the same effect on us. We will never be seen in her yard again!
4. Family History: Her father was basically a fringe element of society type who responded to the fact that her brother got a speeding ticket in Burns, Oregon, by uprooting the entire family and moving them to Florida to pick fruit for a year so as to avoid paying the ticket. During this time, our heroine did not attend school. We are shocked. Shortly thereafter, they returned to the PNW, but then their father kidnapped their mother and took her to Nevada. After that, he tried to get her to move to Texas with him and said if she did not move, she had to sign divorce papers. Finally, after some ridiculous multiple-decade marriage length, she called it quits.
5. Moving on to more current and relevant family history: The father, while in Texas, refused to collect his social security benefits or see a doctor, which resulted in him having a gangrenous abscessed leg with maggots living in it. At some point, he decided that perhaps his daughter could fix this, and agreed to come live with her, bringing his 12 goats with him. She went down to Texas and moved in with Dad and the goats in a boarding house owned by a lady who had lost her leg after an abscess caused by a horse stomping on her foot. This lady lived on disability and played online games all day, and also took in extra income by housing numerous old Mexican cowboys who were also on disability. Enterprising woman that our heroine is, she started planning their trip north with a Cadillac but soon realized that a school bus was a more appropriate mode of transport for two people and twelve goats. So she removed the seats, piled the goats in the back (goats that could not be let out for potty breaks because they were totally wild ass goats) and headed for the PNW with Dad, goats, and gangrenous leg. Somewhere in Colorado, she was finally pulled over for not having a license plate but fortunately for her, the police officer made an executive decision not to detain her, her father, or the collection of goats. Oh happy day! Sadly, this was not the happy ending for dear old Dad that we all might have wished. Never the sort to gather moss, Dad moved on and eventually found himself living under a bridge. Meanwhile, our heroine’s underaged teenage daughter is expecting her first child, sired by someone for whom English is a second language, but he is not such a bad guy as he will haul hay.
6. One time she was hired to drive 40 goats to California for $1000. To do this, she rented an old Isuzu truck from a multi-millionaire for $300. They installed some panels on the side of the bed and threw a tarp over the top, stuffed it full of shavings and goats, and she proceeded on her way to Petaluma. After losing all of her interior and exterior lights, she was yet again pulled over by police in a snowstorm who, yet again, made the mysterious decision not to detain her or any of her 40 goats, despite the fact that she could not find registration or proof of insurance. Will wonders never cease. All 40 goats made it to Petaluma alive, and our heroine pocketed a grand total of $400 profit for this enterprise. We learned from this that you can drive any old way you want, in any sort of unregistered vehicle you want, as long as you are packing a herd of goats. Good to know!
We eventually arrived in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere – at least 3 hours past where we thought we were going and the last few miles on gravel road next to a sheer drop off cliff leading to somewhere far more pleasant than the interior of our truck or the intellectual hell we were currently experiencing. The highlight of our trip was our discovery that the unhandled-for-2-years Arabian was a rather good tempered, if morbidly obese, fellow who sported a large Circle W brand and had a history of “packin’ elk” and being ridden by “tourists” into the high country. Mr. Ay-rab cheerfully followed into the trailer at the first sight of a hay net and we were on our way for another five hours of fascinating stories. And so it continued…with a slight detour to pick up hay in a place called Touche (but pronounced “Tushy”) at a hay dealership complete with horrific barbed wire fence and overweight horses with godawful long feet who were practically screaming to be taken away to somewhere people obtain farrier care. Back on the road and the stories continued…
7. They wanted some cats so they got some from a lady who had too many cats and they weren’t that friendly. So one cat decided to crawl up into the duct work and wouldn’t come out for three months. For three months, he lived in there, with no food or water! (At this, I expressed my opinion that he probably had surreptitiously, in the dark of night, left the duct work to find food and water…but I do not think they believed me) They tried to find him, could not, and assumed he died. Then one day, like the Second Coming, she heard a rattlin’ and a commotion and what do you know, that cat was still alive up there, just real dehydrated. So they drug him out and gave him some garlic and in only 3 days he puffed right up again in the manner of a Sea Monkey. However, he (probably after hearing a few of her stories) elected to crawl back into the duct work and hopefully die this time. (We totally related and would have joined him there, if only there had been such an easy way out!) She drug him out once again by wrapping him in a sleeping bag and pitched him out in the yard, but she did see him a couple months later in the neighborhood – no doubt from a substantial distance.
8. Her other kitty had either one or two litters in her dresser which she encouraged. The daddy was a Ragdoll so the babies were tortoiseshell but long haired. Clearly “spaying,” or as her socioeconomic group typically refers to it, “spading,” had never crossed her mind. Again, we wished we could have been spaded repeatedly at this point in the trip.
It was like a Best of Jerry Springer special on pay-per-view, except people choose to watch that. The variety of the subject matter was truly impressive but the overall level of shock value never wavered. I started wondering if Jerry and Maury pay finder’s fees for truly impressive guest stars.
Don’t get us wrong, we were not derelict in our duty. We did our best in the twelve hours we spent together to educate her that copper will not deworm a horse, that elderly fat geldings who have rubbed out their tails probably need their sheaths cleaned, that dentistry on a horse that age is mandatory, that he never needed to see a flake of alfalfa or a pellet of grain ever again, that it is important to slowly condition a horse who is the equine equivalent of Chris Farley, that finding a boarding barn with a GOOD 4-H/Youth instructor would be a REALLY GOOD IDEA, and that finding a barn quickly was probably a VERY good idea as the home turned out to be in the middle of the city and the front portion of the fence was a picket fence approximately 3.5 feet high. Also, the goats were none too thrilled with their new roomie, and he barely fit through the gate, banging his substantial gut on both sides.
And in all fairness, she was a nice lady who paid us more than we asked for, in cash, and seemed to have good intentions. It was just a stunning example of the many things I talk about on this blog…all in one place…at the same time…for twelve hours…nonstop…in a small space.
Note to selves: No more hauling when the end destination is someone’s backyard, no more permitting owners to ride in the truck with us, no more failure to Mapquest, and this is probably a good time to review the comparative risks and benefits of simply advertising in the Craigslist “Erotic Services” section as an alternative source of additional income, as we believe that might be far less painful and humiliating.
30 comments to “Best of FHOTD: The verbal equivalent of a bag of chicken feet”
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OMG!!!.
WIOWOWOWOWOW That is funny, true and scary!!
And I thought it was bad when I saved a pot bellied pig at an auction and had to put him in the back seat of my car to take him home.. And then later to a rescue place.. still in the back of my car…
But then I also carried bales of hay in my car too. Trunk, back seat and front seat…
This was before I had a truck…
Usually grass hay.. and then when the seeds grew from being rained on.. in the area near the bumper and the edges of the trunk lid…. I had a chia car…
I do wonder though if the ladies in the story ever had to haul GIANT goats…
I did, and the male was the size of a shetland pony!!. HUGE
Anytime I hear any reference to a chia pet..car…anything..I think if Harry.
I got an email from Dr. Valentine once, I had sent her some new biopsy samples of Harry’s skin. He had bits of plant material in the wide open spaces where hair follicles should be….she called him a Chia Perch.
They were not growing plant matter or anything…just plant material from his rolling and such.
Just a bit of a weird story.
I read the original post, I laughed my ass off, it sounded like one of my adventures!
Very funny still, thanks for the laugh!
Love it.
“cat was still alive up there, just real dehydrated. So they drug him out and gave him some garlic”
Ugh, garlic is bad for cats.
Also, might want to warn that the link at the top is not office friendly. I couldn’t read it as it was blocked, so I assume it isn’t friendly.
OMG ROFL Thank you, I laughed out loud and couldn’t stop.
Yep, scary that people like that exist and that so many critters are at their mercy. At least she was nice and paid her way; better than the asshats who don’t and never will … and then cry foul when they get taken to court cos their horses are dying and neglected.
Made me think of a program on our TV here “Kath & Kim” where Kath is always saying to Kim “Look at me, look at me, look at mooooeeee” to get kim’s attention when she won’t respond. Could just imagine the old dear growling at the dog intent on eating every last chicken ” look at me, look at me, looook at mooooeeeeeeee” LOL that’d work ……. not
Thanks Fugs for a great laugh
HAHAHAHAHHAHA!! I must not have been a follower yet when this was posted the first time!!!
I need the laugh today!! OMGOMG Yes, they do walk among us…
OMG So funny! While I was reading repost paragraphs 1 and 2, I started thinking….OMG… I think that’s my sister! But it wasn’t. Whew! Had a scare there. ROFL.
I laughed out loud at not only the repost, but the Craigs-loser-list reference post as well.
Thanks Fugs, for a good laugh in the middle of all the holiday bizzyness.
Update on the Jerry Hahn story.
They finally had a vet out, and the vet is a friend of his. Joy.
Also, the photo they included isn’t of one of the horses on his property. The photos were provided by a woman who handed her memory card to the paper, and pointed out photos of the fetus and other photos from Hahn’s property, but they picked a WRONG photos of her fat little pony (and two other equally weighted horses) to cover this up.
Those horses are covered in mud, but not in the condition of Hahn’s animals.
Ugh.
And he fed them DISTILLERY SLOP in addition to the moldy hay.
http://www.lcni5.com/cgi-bin/c2.cgi?091+article+News+20091219094118091091007
OMG – laughing so hard the greyhounds jumped up to see what was going on. I am delighted with the goat information as I often drive a bit over the speed limit. I used to zip around with 2 Irish wolfhounds and a rottie in the back of my Subaru wagon and learned that the nice officer will not approach the car until windows are up and doors locked: paperwork to be passed out through a cracked window. I did manage to get out of that ticket but now have smaller, less threatening dogs so we will consider shopping for some mini-goats after Xmas. Speeding tickets are so expensive in New England they may well be the less expensive option. Oh right, I could just stop speeding but even in this hopeful season that seems unlikely.
….
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
This is why I think we really should have licenses to own animals…
Thanks for the laugh. They do walk among us but they make us laugh. A mother called my daughter’s riding coach, saying her daughter would not be at lessons anymore, her daughter had touched the electric fence four times the day before ( yes four, as if once wasn’t enought to clue in that it was actually on!) and now her “electromagnetic aura” was messed up. The child would not be returning for lessons until the electric fence was turned off, permanently. Guess the kid is riding at another farm now.
Hi! Thanks for the repost—this was a good one!
I am Fenway Bartholomule, celebrity blogger. If you ever want to visit my fan page, you can find it at this link. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fenway-Bartholomule/203936866533?ref=ts Please have a look!
I want to be famous like you someday, Fugly, but my mother has made me promise not to get a big head. I don’t need a big head; I’ve already got big ears.
I admit I am laughing to the point of tears here but not for the reason you may think! Have you ever been to Jamaica or maybe its the same elsewhere in the West Indies? There are Goats. Everywhere. Goats. Goats cause many accidents. They free range, often on the sides of the road or IN the road. As a whole herd. In the highway. While driving in Jamaica isnt quite as rustic as often portrayed, it is nerve wracking to say the least! A few times the shuttle bus would come around a blind corner and find……you guessed it! Goats!
My take on driving in the US changed considerably after that trip, because, as I would say, Atleast there weren’t any goats involved!! Until one day a pick up truck pulled out in front of me coming out of a farm and wouldnt ya know it! he had a goat in the bed of the truck. At that point, I knew I was screwed.
So goats have some magical traffic properties. Who knew? maybe its the garlic?
Hahahaha finally got back to finish this rediculous story, what morons that live among us!
Thanks for the giggles.
I think we all need to experience something like this just once in our lives to be thankful for the sanity that we have in our own….and the fact that we don’t regularly haul around goats in our vehicles!
That was too funny! A fellow boarder just bought a horse off one of those nutjobs. Doesn’t believe in vaccinations because “mercry” is bad for horses brains, and they will turn to mush. Neither did he deworm, float teeth, or clean sheaths apparently. I think his belt buckle cut off the circulation to his brain.
I remember this from the first time around but it’s still hilarious, particularly remembering some old comedy radio ads from when I was a kid. “Touche- home of the Heiney Winery, the wine in the flip-top can”.
I remember the original–I feared for that old gelding, it’s good to know they got him under competent care.
There’s someone around here that must be related to that lady–she has a crazy menagerie and swears by garlic curing everything too, including flies bothering her horses. No matter that garlic is poisonous to horses, she ignores people that try to tell her that. She breeds a ton of not-show-quality minis every year, and of course they are all “purty colors”.
OMG! I remember being very entertained the first time, but just had to read it all the way through. Twice. Maybe Arlo Guthrie will write an “Alice’s Restaurant” type of song to memorialize this story…
Wowww. I think my brain just imploded. I probably would’ve gone insane two hours into that if I had to be in the truck with her.
Off topic here a bit (having already commented on this hysterical but scary story) but my copy of “Beyond the Homestretch” (post Dec 3: A holiday gift that keeps on giving…to rescued Thoroughbreds!) has arrived!!
Amazon found me all the way down here in Oz and it only took a fortnight.
Wasn’t expecting it until after Christmas and it looks wonderful. Wish I’d ordered several more as gifts for friends. I now have some great Christmas reading.
Sorry, had to share that …….. ; )
paintedponygrrl – garlic is definitely not poisonous to horses, my mare gets garlic everyday to boost her immune system. i imagine that u would have to feed a huge amount for it to have an effect on flies, though.
OT, but adding.. I am thoroughly enjoying my copy of Beyond the Homestretch! I’m pacing myself, only allowing myself to read 1-2 chapters/day so it lasts longer. Love it.
Actually, garlic is not poisonous to horses. The initial claim to that effect appeared in an article approximately 10 years ago in Horse Illustrated (or Horse & Rider, can’t remember), but the misinformation was retracted. The problem started because garlic and onions are cousins, and cows that were fed the last onions in the field at the end of the season became ill.
Garlic is not onion, and cows are not horses. Basically that is what the retraction said.
I have fed granulated garlic to my horse for years and it not only makes him less tasty for the flies (they land but do not bite), it is also an anti-inflammatory and helps with his roaring.
Garlic is an ingredient in many of the breathing supplements for horses with heaves and other breathing problems.
Moderation in all things, I guess.
Dear Lord , people like that have not died off yet in natural selection? I have never encountered someone that stupid, probably because I would just put my car in neutural and bail out the drivers side as we hit a turn. Sort of in a slow roll and get up fast and run in the other direction screaming “find a happy place”. how many hours again ??? did you say 12 ? So she put the garlic on the fathers rotting leg ? so ,your open wound full of garlic can also be used as a bowl for chip and veggie dip .
Yum! Just add artichokes, saran-wrap, and store in a cool, dark place until the fungus grows, and the garlic dip covers all the food-groups! What a great recipe idea for when Uncle Fester spends the holidays.
Articles on Garlic and horses:
From Horse and Rider 2001–written by a vet
http://www.equisearch.com/horses_care/feeding/feed/eqgarlic528/
ASPCA:
http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/poison-control/plants/garlic.html
There was a more recent article in Equus I think, but I couldn’t find it online.
Ah, my alltime favorite post! I actually have it printed out at home.
from: http://www.horse-pony.co.nz/archive/2006/sept06-herbs.html
quote: “A study published last year showed that excessive garlic can cause a condition know as Heinz body anaemia or hemolytic anaemia (most commonly seen in cats and dogs). In this condition, the red blood cells are damaged and they are removed from the body faster than they can be replaced, resulting in anaemia.
In this study, horses were fed an increasing dose of freeze dried garlic to a maximum of 0.25gm/kg twice daily, and then continued at this dose for 71 days. This translates to a dose of 250gm a day for a 500kg horse – hugely more than one would normally give.
No work has yet been done on the safe dose, but the horses recovered from the anaemia within five weeks of the end of the excessive supplementation.
In the meantime, we continue to give our horses and ourselves garlic on a regular basis, as the benefits at the lower dose levels far outweigh any observable negatives.
Recommendations on how much to give vary depending on your source, but we have found that about a dessertspoonful, 15gm, of powder twice a day or half a fresh head daily is a good dose for an average-sized horse. If you are treating an infection, increase the dose to at least twice that, and try to use fresh garlic.”